Ive been on this journey since i was 8 years old. I was told I was "too" fat and in order to be accepted by society, to have friends, for boys to like me, I needed to be thin. I believed that with a passion. I grew up hating my own home, a home that was desperate for love, a home that wanted to be appreciated, a home that was in search for peace.
Beginning of teen years, that's when it got hard, I used to wake up every morning already knowing how i look like and hating the image in my head and the image in the mirror. I used to think that I'm worthless because of my body, I'm talent less because of my body, and maybe im just a waste of space because of my body. Inside, I was going crazy. My insecurities could eat me alive
But I didnt give up, I started working out, poring my heart out on the treadmill as I ran, that maybe I would change and start loving myself...
I was so crazy about the idea of being accepted that I forgot that real acceptance is when you accept your own body, your own skin, your own hair, for the way it is and still consider it beautiful.
But I couldn't take it anymore. The lump in my throat was getting bigger and bigger as I stared at myself in the mirror. My heart just dropping out of my own chest and into my bear hands as I ate.
I was drowning in my own self and my heart and mind was being ripped and shredded into pieces by my own hands and there was nothing i could do about it.
I stopped eating.
Got my appendix taken out for not eating properly, that's what my doctor told me at least. Running to the hospital every other night because my mind wouldn't give me a break. I became anorexic, I couldn't digest anything without the need f throwing it up and I was forced to take medication to cure anorexia and what not. My mom thought I was going crazy.
"Shes always so quiet." My mom to the doctor.
"She doesn't talk to me."
"She just stares into one place and doesn't say a word."
I was prescribed to 3 different anti depressants at the age of 16. That's what broke me more.
"This will help you stay happy." My doctor said.
"You'll be in a good mood after you eat this."
And i somehow believed him.
"This isn't another anti depressant right?" I asked him.
"No, no." He lied.
That's when i realized. Rubab, you don't need to go through all of this, you don't need this medication, this isn't going to cure anything, its only going to make things worse, you don't need to be insecure about yourself, you don't need to care about what other people think about you. 'I've made in my entire 17 years of living.
I felt so free, so light hearted and so happy??
And boy, was that feeling a die for.
Happiness is an amazing feeling. Loving your body is an amazing feeling. But reaching that point when you don't feel insecure about your insecurities anymore isn't easy. But it isn't impossible. Sure, there will be a bunch of bumps on the road, but the final destination is a bliss.
The only person that can bring a change is you. You control your thoughts, your emotions. It's never too late. There is always hope. And believe me, you are stronger than you expect yourself to be. And to everyone that asks me how I lost weight, this is how. I fell, and got back up, and I'm so thankful I fell. I'm so thankful that I am the person who I am today. Always love yourself first. You are your number one priority.
Your body is a book, it's waited long enough for you to read it.
Your body is your friend, eagerly waiting for your friendship.
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